When depression has been your life for so long, sometimes you can forget that its not just a normal way of existing. That there is a reason everything exhausts you, that you are constantly overwhelmed, and that your motivation is often lacking even when you’re dying to participate in the things that you love. It can begin to feel like maybe this is just who you are — an unmotivated, lazy, negative person who can’t seem to do anything right. This story can really bring you down. Once you begin believing its the truth, your life starts to fill out around that truth, and you get sucked into a hole, stuck in the misery that your life has become.
I have been in this place a long time, believing the old stories my ED and depression have told me about myself, when in reality I am struggling because of those things, not because of who I am. It takes fight to question this construct that you’ve allowed to become your reality, and that is something I am battling with right now. And its fucking hard.
But I am starting to realize that perhaps the depression is the problem, not me. And Ive been in this place so long that I have accepted it as the norm, when in reality it doesn’t have to be. I am working on rewriting my vision of myself and my past under a lens of reality instead of one framed by the old stories my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder have told me for so long.
For everyone out there struggling with these issues, please remember that these are mental illnesses, as real as any physical one. And just like physical illness, they can alter your capabilities, tolerances, and can increase limitations. And that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Being depressed doesn’t make you a bad person, or a worthless one. It just makes life harder. Don’t let that affect your reflection of yourself. Don’t let the “shoulds” and “if only”s make you believe that you are not doing enough.
All we can do is what we are able; some days that’s more and some days that’s less. But you are never less than — you are enough.
This post was inspired by the below article from PuttyLike, a site which provides resources for and articles for people who have many interests and creative pursuits, deemed Multipotentialites. I highly recommend this article as well as the site in general.